2023.

 Dear diary,

Would you like to know how long 22 minutes felt to me as I had south park playing in the background as I walked around the house looking for something to ease the pain. The pain of it all was that I knew I was looking for nothing.

I was walking aimlessly looking for what was gone for what was missing.

At the end of it all

Our baby is gone

again.

 Gone you say?

Yes- gone.

What does gone mean?

Well diary this is what I mean.
but before I do, I am going to give context.
I have been wanting a baby with Visa since the day we let life take the wheel and made love everyday
and the one month I realized my contraception was back ordered late and the exciting was about to happen.

But before we knew it… I felt a pop in my abdomen and the rest was history.

Even though history kept repeating itself 7 times in 2.5 years.

6 chemical miscarriages

1 complete miscarriage

I mean our precious little heartbeat stopped.

The thin layer of epidermis tissue with a vein. attached 2 sacks.

My cries echoing out the bathroom window.

My heart

My heart

I don’t hear it.

Well don’t want to.

(side note laptops are lowkey not conducive in an emotional state as unfortunately I’m typing this risking water damage from crying over the keypad)

Mind you I’m not alone in this either and I saw the life leave Visa’s eyes when I told him of what happened.

Denile is deep and hurts more than you can imagine but that’s the heart protecting itself.

Anger is scary but its no ones fault always remember that.

Bargaining is not excuses or lying but its trying to find a solution or an instant remedy. Homeostasis does not just end at the bodies state of optimal function in harmony, the mind has a state of homeostasis too.

Depression is silent and hides behind the smile you make before you see the bottom off an empty glass but its real pain. Remember this is grief we are talking about.

Acceptance is not going to come at the request of others but to me it felt like the purest form of love.

 

Lying on my side felt good. But siting up is better.

 

Do you know what it feels like to have hope, and joy ripped from you?

Well firstly you physically lose the muscle strength to wipe your ass let alone cook a meal for 4

The corners of your smile falling so deep into rock bottom

Happiness feels like a crime.

Food no longer has taste

Those close to you look like monsters

In a world where we are born to die accepting we could die at any point.

 

In a world with no peace.

I found it in them

I love you so much

When the doctor said your womb is Empty

Mpty

Mt

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It never gets easier hearing it.