The Letter

 Not that I'm trying to unalive myself,

But if it was a thing.

My letter would probably go like this...

Man I'm sorry, to everyone's who's ever crossed paths with me.

Especially it went sour.

Especially if you know the worst parts of me.

My letter would probably say things like...

I'm just tired of being the constant source of disappointment.

And to some, a source of agony and mixed emotions.

That I'm sorry I failed to do better,

To be better,

To act better,

To live better...

That it was getting harder to pretend to be social,

And it was even more exhausting to exude happiness.

That more often than not, I just wanted to wither away in bed.

That more often than not, I just wanted to stop the beat in my chest.

Not that I'm trying to unalive myself,

But if I was...

My letter would include something along the lines of:

I know theres a hand full of you who didnt think i was worthless, who believed in me, and my presence made a difference.

And I need you to understand that you did nothing wrong.

I'm just now realising that I'm critically unstable

And theres nothing anyone couldve done, couldve said

That wouldve made me feel any differently.

I'm a walking forest fire, and nothing about me is tame.

I want to the world burn, and more importantly,

I want to be in the midst of the flames.

I'm genuine chaos,

And I think I'm just at the point of acceptance.

My letter would say something like:

To those who had expectations towards me, to be a normal to high functioning human being, Im sorry i failed this basic requirement.

I'm sorry I'm not normal enough,

That I didnt learn the correcg social cues.

That I keep fucking up...

That I keep causing you all pain.

Im in my head too much. And that affects everything I do.

But since I'm not unaliving myself

We can all pretend that I didnt write this.

But if I did, 

It would be much longer than this.

Im just sorry I'm weak...

And that I circum to everything...

I just feel like shit.

Thats it.

-Fez