Sentients?

 And why does everyone think the worst of me. Whatever it is, always in a negative light. Whatever it is, always in the darkest sight. The worst of the worst. Maybe I'm just scum. Why does everyone think the worst of me... If it's them, I must make excuses. If its them, I try see different reasons why it couldve been. But when it comes to me... Just wow. Its always bad. Its always on purpose. And its always the worst. IS IT SOMETHING I DO OR THE THINGS I SAY THAT MAKES PEOPLE FEEL THIS WAY THAT MAKES PEOPLE FEEL THAT MY INTENTIONS ARE FUCKED. THAT MAKES PEOPLE FEEL THAT IT CAN ONLY BE FUCKED UP. THAT I AM FUCKED UP! WHAT IS IT??? Let me know please... Let me know why everyone thinks the worst of me When I'm trying so hard not to be...  not to be the worst that I can be...  And why does everyone think the worst of me. - Fez

I hate that I can't explain myself. I hate that I can't say what's going on. Or rather what happened, and the resulting actions... And my cowardice in the process, and ruining peoples lives as I go along. I hate that I still to this day, hate myself. I hate that I still to this day, hate the situation. And the choices I made, to remedy at the time, what was my environment. To place a bandage on a gun wound, and dance my way around it. And not really knowing what is the wound, or what was the gun really. And now understanding that my bandage made things worse, not only the wound is septic, this thing... it's spreading. I hate that there's no justification, I hate that there's no good reason, I hate that there's no, no good reason, I hate that, I'm drowning in mistakes. And these mistakes you guys I don't want to lie, their ruining so much potential greatness... These mistakes, are ruining so much potential happiness. I feel like I died 2 years ago... ...

I've been home sick for some time... I couldn't figure it out. I've been trying to fill the hole in my heart, with Lord knows what... Just to feel that peace again. I've been home sick for quite a bit... I just didn't realize it. I've been trying to understand my distress, the pain in my chest... Just to reach my mental best. Man I've been home sick... But the home wasn't a house... It wasn't objects, or locations... It was people that were once close to me. That felt like home to me... I have no right to feel home sick... But I understood it today, I felt a bit of home today... And suddenly it made sense, what it was that was missing... I've been missing home. I just wanna come home. - Fez

Dear God... I'm often told to never question your ways. That you always know best... And that you never give trials to people who cannot handle that weight. A one-to-one relation of the soldier and the battle to face. I'm often told never to challenge your ways. And that everything happens for a reason, to blindly trust everyday. And that no matter how hard it is, and how tough it may be, we must have faith. A one-to-one relation of the soldier and the divine providence. I'm often told those who go through the worst paths, get the greatest reward. That you know our souls, our minds and our hearts. And that what is meant for us, will be for us, in its own time, and its own place,  and not in the way that we would expect. But God... If you know my soul, my mind and my heart, you know that I'm tired... If I am indeed a soldier,  I am twice retired. If there is a path you created for me, I feel like I've been lost for a long time... And these trials...  These trials are...

When I look back at it all... I don't think I blame you. For walking out on me, Without a word, And then avoiding the topic, When I confronted you For walking out on me, Without a word, You made me a villain, And I guess it was true. When I look back at it all... I don't know what's worse. That you couldn't talk to me, or that it felt like it was easy for you to do what you did. Or that, I tried for months to talk to you, and maybe it was hard for you to do what you did. Leave me that is, My best and longest friend... When I look back at it all... I don't think we could recover. It's been almost a year now, Too much has passed, It's been almost a year now, I'm sure we're both different people. When I look back at it all... I don't know what I could've changed... I don't know what I did wrong, But a part of me feels like I should, I never got my closure, So this will substitute. I'm not saying you're the root of my demise, But damn...

I guess I never thought about the consequences of my actions. Despite my state of mind at the time they were created. I guess I never thought it would be me with no back bone. Not enough self love to fight for me and the life I once had. I guess I never thought about the aftermath of it all. The people I dragged down with me, or lack thereof... I guess I never thought about anything because if I did. Maybe things would have turned out differently. And I wouldn't have so many "what if's" And I wouldn't have so many "used to be's" And I wouldn't have so many "could've beens" And I wouldn't have all this fucken rage This fucken diagnosis And this fucken pain... I wouldn't play so close to death, and I wouldn't let life still hold my name. I mean I'd still be fucked up, if the past has any consistency. But I would still be me... I don't even know who I am anymore. I guess I never thought... That was my first mistake ...

 And yea... The leaves are still falling off. And yea... The weather is still up in arms. And yes... I still can't see what's going on. And yes... I still feel like I'm losing hope. But, The days seem a little less long lately, and the sun tends to shine on me a little bit lately, and I hear the music a bit more, and I smile a little more, and, I might not be whole,  but I'm not fixating on the emptiness as much. And, I might not be whole, but I'm seeing a bit more of the glass half full. Look, I still have a long fucken way to go, A road I can't even see right now. But, I think I'm doing okay, I hope I'm doing okay... Because that darkness man... It consumes me, And sometimes I wonder, what it's like to dance with the sun. And sometimes I wonder, what it's like to feel the warmth of the light. And these days, Its not as cold as it used to be, and these days, I'm not as clouded as I used to be. And I know this is just the up... Trying not to ...

 Not that I'm trying to unalive myself, But if it was a thing. My letter would probably go like this... Man I'm sorry, to everyone's who's ever crossed paths with me. Especially it went sour. Especially if you know the worst parts of me. My letter would probably say things like... I'm just tired of being the constant source of disappointment. And to some, a source of agony and mixed emotions. That I'm sorry I failed to do better, To be better, To act better, To live better... That it was getting harder to pretend to be social, And it was even more exhausting to exude happiness. That more often than not, I just wanted to wither away in bed. That more often than not, I just wanted to stop the beat in my chest. Not that I'm trying to unalive myself, But if I was... My letter would include something along the lines of: I know theres a hand full of you who didnt think i was worthless, who believed in me, and my presence made a difference. And I need you to unders...

I can't tell what's up and what's down no more, What's wrong and what's right no more, I'm all over the place but stagnant, I'm all over my head but dormant. I think I'm really losing my mind, And it's not a joke anymore. I think I'm really losing myself, And it's not just words anymore. I'm not coping with this life thing not at all. I'm not coping with this alive thing what's up with my soul?.. What price is my worth? What weight is on my shoulders? What hurt is in my core?  I lose sense of reality so often... And the days go by without me I lose sense of my mentality... It's like I'm living without me... And I know that makes no sense, But that's not me anymore. It's not common at all. I'm just all over the show. And I know that makes no sense. But that's how i feel. I think I'm broken. And it is what it is. -Fez

I know I said, I'm done being the hot head. The red one, the one full of anger. but circumstances always bring me back to where I don't want to be... Hateful Spiteful... but circumstances have me at the peak of everything I don't like to be... Angry.. Fucked up... 'Cause the thing about being the hot head, Is that sometimes you're not always sure if you're over reacting. Compulsive Indecisive... Is that sometimes you're not always sure if you're acting the right way. Normal.. Calm and shit... But every time my name is in someone's fucken mouth  It's about how trash I am. Useless Purposeless... But every time my name is in someone's loose ass mouth It's about how incorrect I am. Mislaid.. Astray... But if I bring up the flaws of said people, it wont be cute and I'll be relentless It wont be suited But if I retaliate I'll be the villain, I'll be so crude if I open my fucken mouth I'm the one that's rude. So maybe I shoul...

"I'm tired of being the hothead" Head's hot because I often feel misunderstood, Trying to keep quiet, trying to let the world do it's thing but quite often I find myself saying the wrong thing at the right time, doing the wrong thing at the right time, captured right enough that pictures are painted about me. "I'm tired of being crazy" Crazy because I feel like my minds going in cirlces, convincing myself, un-convincing myself, confirming I'm not crazy, then doubting myself, debating the facts and then trailing it back, stuck in a cycle where I'm right and I'm wrong but choosing more of the wrong because... well I don't know "I'm tired of being sick" Sick physically, I'm sick all the time Sick mentally, I'm sick in my mind Sick emotionally, tell my eyes to stop crying. Sick spiritually, do those realms even take a look at me? Do they hear me? can they see the pain? the fear? the hate? the love? the anger? the con...

 No one tells you how hard it is to be damaged. They always tell you how hard its going to be to heal yourself. And how hard it is going to be, to get to a better place. But no one warns you about how painful it is to be broken. To acknowledge your flaws, and your flaws flaws but not being able to move on from the scathing in your soul. The built but broken walls. And no one tells you how traumatizing it is to be fragmented. How you need to somehow love yourself with these pieces, while you heal to be someone better, even though you despise every fucking inch of all the dirt inside you that you're trying to erase. No one tells you how difficult it is to be ruptured. From deeper down than you ever thought it was. And how hurtful it is each time you realize its worse than you imagined to begin with. And how disgusted you feel each time you learn more about your impairment. No one tells you. But I'm here to tell you. It fucking hurts. Being damaged is revolting and the pain never ...

Hearing the same shit constantly from everyone around me. The same fucking dialog, the same fucking script. Hearing the same damn thing every so often from everyone around me. The subject is me, the problem it seems. Hearing the same synonyms describing me, who I am, and the trouble it brings. So it has to be me, the problem is me. Because this many people can't be talking shit the same damn shit, when talking about me. Because this many people can't be that far fetched Their truth can't be so stretched, if it's all the same. Because this many people, with nothing in common, not in the same spaces. They can't have the same shit, to say about me. So it has to be me... I'm the problem. So it has to be me... Something is wrong with me... -Fez

Like fuck You think you're tired of crying. You're tired of crying. And feeling lost You feel like you're dying. The walls are closing in everyday they're closing in. The floors becoming steep, everyday you fall further in. Oh you crying in public now? Is this your new thing now? That you can't even wait to get home, and close the fucken door. You're walking with tears in your eyes, You're walking with tears on your face. Because you're nothing but a monster. Oh so you've been told. Because you're nothing but hell. Oh so you've been told. And now the walls are closing in, the floor is getting steep, you're crying and dying. You're dying and crying. Because your past won't ever leave you, and your future looks bleak. and no one trusts you. So why even try... So this is why you cry? because you feel helpless? because you feel ashamed? because you feel worthless? because you feel like pain??? Yes... That's why. That's why I...

 And as you paint me to the world, as the demon who does you wrong, the only thing I hate the most, is that for a second I saw me in your words mold... I started believing that something might actually be wrong with me... And not that you just have a false sense of  who I am in reality. I pondered for weeks on end shit I almost lost my sense of self because repetition is a crazy thing. Much like me believing you'll ever change your thoughts of me, is the actual definition of insanity. And if I'm going to lose my mind, I rather it be because I lost my own way. And not because for a second, just for a second, you got into my head. As you paint me to the world, as the demon who does you wrong, I'll paint myself to the universe, as the fallen angel trying to make their own home. -Fez

I wish I was dead to you. I wish you believed I was pale and blue. I wish I was someone who was departed to you. I hope it will bring you some good. I think it will only be then, that you'll think well of me. I then think maybe for once you could feel positive things. As people do, you know, for the people deceased. A staggering obituary. As you cried your fake tears for me. filled with dishonesty. But here I am Alive and well. But here I am. Your living nightmare. And I wish I was dead. To you that is. Maybe your pain would end. Maybe you could rest your chest. But until then goodluck. With whatever the fuck this is. Where I wish I was dead to you. Man I wish I was dead to you. Fez

 I never want to see me through your eyes... Always the worst, never good I'm sure you don't even realize... I never want to view the world, through the perception of you. I could never cope, I would break into two. There isn't even a way  for me to plead my case... You can't speak to someone who doesn't want to understand. I don't want to  hate you.. But you kind of make it  hard to... And it's not that I hate you... But fuck sometimes all I want is to  strangle you... I don't like  these thoughts, I don't like what it is you do to me. I don't like your words, I don't like what it is you say to me.. Sometimes I feel like you curse me. Even if that energy wasn't out you placed it for me. Wish the best for  me for once. And not only when everything else has been cancelled out. But because you see me for me.. And not of what you think of me... The worst of  me... Sometimes I wonder what it is that makes you think like this... Because if thi...

Baby girl, I'm so sorry. For what he took from you... For what he put you  through... Baby girl, I'm so sorry. For the confusion in your chest... For the desolation in your head... Baby girl, I'm so sorry. That he did it over and over again. That he threatened all the same. Baby girl, I'm so sorry. For how long you had to suffer... For how long you're still to suffer... Baby girl, I'm so sorry... For the youth he stole from you... For the you he thought he was entitled to... Baby girl, I'm so sorry... For the burden you carried all this time... For how you thought you were saving their lives... Baby girl, I'm so sorry... That the only one who knew... Tried to shut you up  too... Baby girl, I just hope... You just never think it's you... It's not your fault, it's not you... Baby girl, I just hope... That you find peace somehow, that you can try to live a life. Baby girl, I just hope... You heal... You're so young for these things... Baby g...

 I don't think I understand the depth of my damage. I usually think I've got my mind and soul figured out, Then I erupt and all my truths turn into confusions. I erupt and everything I thought I knew becomes a question mark. A dead-end at a four way stop. How much more depth can it possibly have??? If I dig any further I will burn... But sitting in this ignorance doesn't feel like bliss. How can I not fathom my own pain... How can I not understand my own head... Make it make sense, make it make sense. Is the depth of my damage limitless? How is the glass full and empty... Is the depth of my damage infinite? Looking for the bottom of the abyss. The irony. -Fez

I'm trying so hard, not to be petty... You used to turn a blind eye, I never really cried for help but I didn't really have to. You used to watch and hear, the things done and said but you didn't really have to. You used to keep quiet and act, like you couldn't see a damn thing but you know you saw everything. You used to keep quiet and act, like you couldn't hear a damn thing but you know you heard everything. I'm trying so hard, not to be petty... Because now the roles have switched and, you're blowing up my phone constantly about how you cannot take this. Because now the roles have switched and, you're reaching out all the time with that expression on your face. And now I must do what you failed to do, cradle you? while you watched me turn blue? And now I must do what you failed to do, protect you? what am I supposed to do? I'm trying so hard, not to be petty... But I do not know how... I thought I was okay,  but now you're blowing me up and I...