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03 April 2015

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To be honest I have always thought that when I got here you would be beside me but I messed up every chance of that happing ... And even after all these years I've always held the belief that some how , some way fate would let our paths cross once again and we would make up and rekindle what we had.  As luck would have it ,I'm here and you might as well be on the other end of the cosmos .While our story is playing itself out in an alternative timeline. I take full responsibility and blame for what went wrong with us , regardless of some transgressions on your part that I suspect. It is solely because of me that the final chapters of our romance have been written. I was insecure , I was childish , I was manipulative , I was selfish and you still stood by me .  I was distant , I was closed off , I did not show up for you how someone who loves someone should , even cheated on you twice .Still you forgave me and poured all your essence into us.  My behaviour only served to dr...
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Room in the Elephant

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 There's an elephant in the room ,  but no room in the Elephant . An outline with no mass ,   a figment of the imagination.  A silhouette of anti-mass , feather light but heavy on the mind. Intangible and immaterial  but present in the prefrontal cortex. Hard to ignore because it's not there.     
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Never will...

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I guess this is it ye, I'm never gonna get the chance to do the things we used to speak about... I'm never gonna see you get married, I'm never gonna see you grow old, be a parent to your kids. I'm never gonna have the lazy Sunday's we planned, Or the group dates we imagined. I'm never gonna see your dreams come true, and never are you gonna see mine... I'm never gonna see your potential, and never are you gonna be in my life... and obviously I have nothing but myself to blame, the shame of my actions consequences if you will... And I should've known better,  but here we are, this whole shit is surreal. And I just want to say I'm sorry, thats if I never get the chance to tell you. Theres a hole in my life I just cant replace, and yal are missing... But I dont feel like I deserve that anymore, I dont think I deserve you anymore... So if youre wondering why I've been so quiet... this is why. I'm a coward, and I don't deserve your forgivenes...
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Demons Chasing Me

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My demons are chasing me, hunting me, not letting me breathe... For a whilst now I've been thinking I got away with everything... As far as the eye can see... But every time I  blink, all I see is this... All I see is the mess I created... No one else to blame but  me... And I mean granted to a degree I understood that concept but the reality? Living in it? In my mind? in my sin? in the betrayal that consists of me... and me alone... The common theme of this year was " I feel like a fraud " and maybe it wasn't just a feeling... Maybe it is what it is, but Im not hiding behind my insanity anymore... Have to deal with whats here... the here and now... and right now??? my demons are chasing me... - Fez.
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2023.

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 Dear diary, Would you like to know how long 22 minutes felt to me as I had south park playing in the background as I walked around the house looking for something to ease the pain. The pain of it all was that I knew I was looking for nothing. I was walking aimlessly looking for what was gone for what was missing. At the end of it all Our baby is gone again.  Gone you say? Yes- gone. What does gone mean? Well diary this is what I mean. but before I do, I am going to give context. I have been wanting a baby with Visa since the day we let life take the wheel and made love everyday and the one month I realized my contraception was back ordered late and the exciting was about to happen. But before we knew it… I felt a pop in my abdomen and the rest was history. Even though history kept repeating itself 7 times in 2.5 years. 6 chemical miscarriages 1 complete miscarriage I mean our precious little heartbeat stopped. The thin layer of epidermis tissu...
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The Worst

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 And why does everyone think the worst of me. Whatever it is, always in a negative light. Whatever it is, always in the darkest sight. The worst of the worst. Maybe I'm just scum. Why does everyone think the worst of me... If it's them, I must make excuses. If its them, I try see different reasons why it couldve been. But when it comes to me... Just wow. Its always bad. Its always on purpose. And its always the worst. IS IT SOMETHING I DO OR THE THINGS I SAY THAT MAKES PEOPLE FEEL THIS WAY THAT MAKES PEOPLE FEEL THAT MY INTENTIONS ARE FUCKED. THAT MAKES PEOPLE FEEL THAT IT CAN ONLY BE FUCKED UP. THAT I AM FUCKED UP! WHAT IS IT??? Let me know please... Let me know why everyone thinks the worst of me When I'm trying so hard not to be...  not to be the worst that I can be...  And why does everyone think the worst of me. - Fez
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Entropy

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I hate that I can't explain myself. I hate that I can't say what's going on. Or rather what happened, and the resulting actions... And my cowardice in the process, and ruining peoples lives as I go along. I hate that I still to this day, hate myself. I hate that I still to this day, hate the situation. And the choices I made, to remedy at the time, what was my environment. To place a bandage on a gun wound, and dance my way around it. And not really knowing what is the wound, or what was the gun really. And now understanding that my bandage made things worse, not only the wound is septic, this thing... it's spreading. I hate that there's no justification, I hate that there's no good reason, I hate that there's no, no good reason, I hate that, I'm drowning in mistakes. And these mistakes you guys I don't want to lie, their ruining so much potential greatness... These mistakes, are ruining so much potential happiness. I feel like I died 2 years ago... ...
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