Sentients?

 There's no more noise now... in my head that is... it all came down to this point. This very moment. I don't really feel the pain right now... I've lived through it... in my head that is. I've imagined this day all to vividly and all to well. The anxiety is subsiding... it has been weighing on my chest for days... weeks that is... Months in fact. We are longer... And as painful as it might be for you to read... this feels freeing. I feel free? Yes. Yes I do. My shackles are loose and I'm scared but... What else am I to do? Make decisions because of you? because of friends? because of family? Feel trapped? Enclosed? Scared? Paranoid? Because the love is only temporary... it's fleeting... but trauma? That's forever... I'm sorry for what I put you through... I forgive you for all you did to me... I think its best to leave like this... Before we kill eachother... I don't hate you. I still love you. But this is no life to live... We're not living. I

 There's an elephant in the room ,  but no room in the Elephant . An outline with no mass ,   a figment of the imagination.  A silhouette of anti-mass , feather light but heavy on the mind. Intangible and immaterial  but present in the prefrontal cortex. Hard to ignore because it's not there.     

I guess this is it ye, I'm never gonna get the chance to do the things we used to speak about... I'm never gonna see you get married, I'm never gonna see you grow old, be a parent to your kids. I'm never gonna have the lazy Sunday's we planned, Or the group dates we imagined. I'm never gonna see your dreams come true, and never are you gonna see mine... I'm never gonna see your potential, and never are you gonna be in my life... and obviously I have nothing but myself to blame, the shame of my actions consequences if you will... And I should've known better,  but here we are, this whole shit is surreal. And I just want to say I'm sorry, thats if I never get the chance to tell you. Theres a hole in my life I just cant replace, and yal are missing... But I dont feel like I deserve that anymore, I dont think I deserve you anymore... So if youre wondering why I've been so quiet... this is why. I'm a coward, and I don't deserve your forgivenes

My demons are chasing me, hunting me, not letting me breathe... For a whilst now I've been thinking I got away with everything... As far as the eye can see... But every time I  blink, all I see is this... All I see is the mess I created... No one else to blame but  me... And I mean granted to a degree I understood that concept but the reality? Living in it? In my mind? in my sin? in the betrayal that consists of me... and me alone... The common theme of this year was " I feel like a fraud " and maybe it wasn't just a feeling... Maybe it is what it is, but Im not hiding behind my insanity anymore... Have to deal with whats here... the here and now... and right now??? my demons are chasing me... - Fez.

 Dear diary, Would you like to know how long 22 minutes felt to me as I had south park playing in the background as I walked around the house looking for something to ease the pain. The pain of it all was that I knew I was looking for nothing. I was walking aimlessly looking for what was gone for what was missing. At the end of it all Our baby is gone again.  Gone you say? Yes- gone. What does gone mean? Well diary this is what I mean. but before I do, I am going to give context. I have been wanting a baby with Visa since the day we let life take the wheel and made love everyday and the one month I realized my contraception was back ordered late and the exciting was about to happen. But before we knew it… I felt a pop in my abdomen and the rest was history. Even though history kept repeating itself 7 times in 2.5 years. 6 chemical miscarriages 1 complete miscarriage I mean our precious little heartbeat stopped. The thin layer of epidermis tissue with a

 And why does everyone think the worst of me. Whatever it is, always in a negative light. Whatever it is, always in the darkest sight. The worst of the worst. Maybe I'm just scum. Why does everyone think the worst of me... If it's them, I must make excuses. If its them, I try see different reasons why it couldve been. But when it comes to me... Just wow. Its always bad. Its always on purpose. And its always the worst. IS IT SOMETHING I DO OR THE THINGS I SAY THAT MAKES PEOPLE FEEL THIS WAY THAT MAKES PEOPLE FEEL THAT MY INTENTIONS ARE FUCKED. THAT MAKES PEOPLE FEEL THAT IT CAN ONLY BE FUCKED UP. THAT I AM FUCKED UP! WHAT IS IT??? Let me know please... Let me know why everyone thinks the worst of me When I'm trying so hard not to be...  not to be the worst that I can be...  And why does everyone think the worst of me. - Fez