The Patterns: "But you said you don't date"

-
So you fetched my from the
comfort
of my home.


Unprovoked,
rainy
evening you called me.


It was cool vibes,
it was good times,
until your friend said goodnight.


It was cool vibes,
it was good times,
until your friend had to bounce,


I knew already by then,
I
was in a whole mess.


Already playing out my
fatality
in my head.


Reading the captions in my
imagination,
"where was she going? she should've known to stay home"


Reading the captions in my
imagination,
"she willingly got into his car, he did nothing wrong"


In my baggy shirt, and baggy
hoodie,
I felt underdressed.


Anxiety and stress, I was
pacing
in my head.


Trying to analyse the situation
without
seeming paranoid.


Trying to analyse the situation
without
indicating that I'm vulnerable.


A calm out of
nowhere
occurred.


I no longer
felt
as edgy.


"Shit must've been
all
in my head"


Probably my
biggest
mistake.


Hours later
after
putting me at ease.


The energy changed
again
and this time it was real.


I tried to go to sleep and you put your
hand
on my stomach.


"Come let me kiss you"
*cringe*
[silent thoughts: "fuck here we go again"]


I said no a
couple
times.


And you demanded that I
explain
myself.


I said no a 
couple
times.


"why not?"
rehearsed,
of course you kept spitting out.


with every reason I gave, including
"because I don't want to, you should've told me before I left the house that this is what you wanted"
that still wasn't enough.

Followed by your,
"but you said you don't date"
...


...
...
"WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME NOT WANTING YOUR PENIS IN MY VAGINA???"


"but you said you don't date, are you saying you
really don't fuck?
are you a virgin?"

...
...
...


"So... we really not
gonna
fuck?"


...
...
...


Somebody
balance
me please...


Is
it
me??


It must
be
me...


How do I get keep getting into
these
fucked up situations.


Why do I keep getting into
these
fucked up situations.


I should've
stayed
home.


Where was
I
going.


I should've
stayed
home.


This is
on
me...


Is everyone
around
me fucked up?


And I'm just
oblivious
to see it?


Or is it something
about
me,


That
keeps
inviting these men?


"But you said you don't date"
it can't be me.
This mindset?

This dude
clearly
sick in the head.


-Fez

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Room in the Elephant

-
 There's an elephant in the room ,  but no room in the Elephant . An outline with no mass ,   a figment of the imagination.  A silhouette of anti-mass , feather light but heavy on the mind. Intangible and immaterial  but present in the prefrontal cortex. Hard to ignore because it's not there.     
Read more

I would've left me too...

-
When I look back at it all... I don't think I blame you. For walking out on me, Without a word, And then avoiding the topic, When I confronted you For walking out on me, Without a word, You made me a villain, And I guess it was true. When I look back at it all... I don't know what's worse. That you couldn't talk to me, or that it felt like it was easy for you to do what you did. Or that, I tried for months to talk to you, and maybe it was hard for you to do what you did. Leave me that is, My best and longest friend... When I look back at it all... I don't think we could recover. It's been almost a year now, Too much has passed, It's been almost a year now, I'm sure we're both different people. When I look back at it all... I don't know what I could've changed... I don't know what I did wrong, But a part of me feels like I should, I never got my closure, So this will substitute. I'm not saying you're the root of my demise, But damn...
Read more

2023.

-
 Dear diary, Would you like to know how long 22 minutes felt to me as I had south park playing in the background as I walked around the house looking for something to ease the pain. The pain of it all was that I knew I was looking for nothing. I was walking aimlessly looking for what was gone for what was missing. At the end of it all Our baby is gone again.  Gone you say? Yes- gone. What does gone mean? Well diary this is what I mean. but before I do, I am going to give context. I have been wanting a baby with Visa since the day we let life take the wheel and made love everyday and the one month I realized my contraception was back ordered late and the exciting was about to happen. But before we knew it… I felt a pop in my abdomen and the rest was history. Even though history kept repeating itself 7 times in 2.5 years. 6 chemical miscarriages 1 complete miscarriage I mean our precious little heartbeat stopped. The thin layer of epidermis tissu...
Read more